In Case of Emergency: How to deal with Rejection/Break-ups

Getting bitch-slapped with a NO to your declaration of feelings or having the man you have shared your hopes and dreams with dump you is pretty darn hard on a gal’s heart. Yes Ms. Moxie has been there a few times herself (yeah I am just as surprised as you), but I have written out a great plan for you gals adhere to once your heart gets ripped into a million pieces, then stomped on for good measure.

First…if you can help it get dumped or declare your love over a weekend so you can have sufficient time to sink as far as you can go before having to return to society. Moving on…

So he said “I am sorry (insert your name) I always thought of you as a friend ONLY” or “(Insert your name) I don’t think it’s working out betweens us anymore.” Your first reaction should be a sinking feeling in your stomach and you should actually feel your heart breaking into pieces. Therefore, in the middle of him trying to make the bitch-slap as painless as possible, tune him out and play a little game I like to call Count the Broken Pieces. How to play is to count how many times you feel that pain crackling through your heart, and if you count to 100 you get to eat two king-size snickers bars as soon as you are out of his presence!!!

After playing said game and the awkward silence before you two part/hang-up the phone, go directly home to your room and stare at a picture of the two of you for 5 minutes….the purpose? Well you want to work yourself into a good sad pathetic frenzy. Next curl-up on your bed with the picture and cry deep sobs…if you aren’t sure if you are doing it right, just remember that your body must shake un-controllable and your voice should be next to inaudible. This sob-fest should last for an hour straight and you should only get-up to dramatically search for tissues to blow your nose with.

Next text all of your female friends about the event and the first one to call you wins the “Best-Friend-Of-The-Year” award, which means once you are better you should buy her a spa-package. Now while on the phone with said friend make sure that you are still hysterical and for the first 30 minutes, statements you make to her should NOT make sense. After spending about two hours on the phone mauling over the tragic event, call back all the friends who called you on call-waiting and repeat the same 30 minute scenario with all of them.

Now during this seven-hour “woe is me” fest you are having with your friends, go bake yourself an entire batch of brownies and eat them with a gallon of ice cream until both the carton and the pan is finished. Get off the phone with the last friend and stare in horror at what you did and proceed to the bathroom to throw-up. Realize that if you could make yourself throw-up that easy you would have been a bulimic years ago. Give-up and crawl into your bed with a pair of pjs and a ratty bathrobe on and sleep for 12 hours straight.

Roll yourself out of bed around 3pm the next day and take a shower. While in the shower let your mind spiral out of control. Think that no one will ever love you, think that you are too fat/skinny, think that the only person who will ever buy you flowers and hug you will be your mother. Start to cry again and make it a good weep.

Get out of the shower and become bitter and tell yourself you don’t need a man and that you will be happy being by yourself (though you don’t really think so). Tell yourself that if other women can take matters into their own hands then so can you and tell yourself that you are a liberated woman.

March yourself down to a “special toy” store. Remember not to look at the really questionable wall. Buy a pink vibe and batteries and try to pretend that you have done this before. Go home and put the batteries in, turn it on, and sit it on your dresser. Watch it dance across it until it falls onto the floor. Laugh hysterically because you realize that you have completely lost your mind. Pick-up vibe, take batteries out, toss vibe into the trash, and then put batteries in your cd player and go for a walk/run.

Walk/run to female empowerment music and start to feel genuinely better about yourself and tell yourself that there are more fish in the sea and after a couple of months of working-out, they will all come calling after you.

Reward yourself for your work-out and positive attitude with a hot-bubble bath by candle-light. At first be happy that you are soaking your tired muscles but let memories of him creek into your mind again and cry.

Get out of tub, wrap yourself in a towel and grab a bottle of vodka/gin. Drink straight from the bottle lying across your bed as you listen to songs that remind you of him. Sing "All By Myself" by Celine out loud and out of tune. Pass-out. Then wake up naked and reeking of alcohol. Grab your towel that fell off during the night and go to the kitchen to get something for your hang-over.

Then realize that no matter how great you think he is, he isn’t worth the personal hell you are putting yourself through. Realize that yes your heart will still hurt and yes tears will come out of nowhere from time to time, but that it doesn’t mean your heart will never heal. Realize that there will be someone out there who won’t reject you, but will be willing to say “I do” to you someday. Realize that end of the fantasy of you two, is more like the beginning of you and someone else.

Then let a smile creep across your face because you realize that you still have hope that someday your Prince will come.