The Dumping Zone
Break-ups are hard and rough…especially when it isn't your decision and you really didn't see it coming.
The reason I bring this topic up is because I am currently being reminded how terrible it feels. As stated before I am a single girl with not one potential suitor insight…not even a Space Between guy. Thus, I have spent the last couple of months throwing myself into work and excelling professionally quickly, yet not financially and then the boom was lowered when I found out that I was one of over 600 people being laid off because apparently it's cheaper to use people in other countries. At first I went into survival mode not really thinking about how I felt emotionally, but now it has set-in. It feels like my boyfriend who I spent so much time trying to please, decided to dump me for some whore down the street….and now I am left with nothing but memories of a relationship that I thought was good.
My story
It reminds me of past heartbreak that I never thought I was going to get over but somehow did only to be heartbroken again.
I have been blessed to only have experience real heartbreak three times in my life. The first time was when I was a senior in college and I broke things off with the first guy I ever dated. With my move back home after graduation and his job lost, his self-esteem spiral downward taking our relationship along for the ride. The last conversation was tearful and I felt depilated of any strength to try to make things work 60 miles away. He needed space but didn’t have the heart to tell me and I just needed him…so even though I was the one brave enough to say what the word…it was really he that was leaving me.
After I hung-up the phone I melted into a pull of tears and my emotions ranged from sadness of loosing the one person who made me feel safe, to anger because I couldn't understand why he wouldn't let me be there for him.
The last and third time was actually the beginning of this year.
I was just untangling myself from a Space Between situation when his guy I met in school and at the time was working part-time for a Theology school back in New York. While manning the switchboard, in walks this guy who literally took my breath away. I couldn't speak and have never in my life been captivated by another human being. He walked up to my desk and told me he was from the undergrad campus and wanted to know where the staff meeting was being held. Now I knew that the meeting was moved back to the undergrad campus, but that information didn't travel down to my mouth and I could only mumble…"I don't know". Well he left and I spent the rest of the day trying to find out who he was. I couldn't get his warm smile out of my mind.
Months later I ended up working full-time for the college and lo and behold he was a director on the floor below my office! When he came up to introduce himself to me again…I could barely speak but over time was able to mumble hello and goodbye.
After a while I made it my mission to get to know him and did, and we eventually got to spend some time out of the office and would email back and forth. It didn't matter that I saw him every single day…my heart would do jumping jacks every time he entered the room. But then things took a turn.
Whenever I felt like things weren't going anywhere and would pull away, he would do all he could to gain my attention and affection and would act really hurt. I would then feel bad and try to keep up my end of the bargain until he became lax and then the game would start over and over…with these "dates" in-between to jump-start the childish game.
Then I told him I was leaving…moving back into my old time-zone, thus it was now or never situation for us. He got upset at first but then try everything to either keep me there or to show interest. I then thought "gee…if all it took was to move to get you to step-up then I would have done this months ago!"
I thought things would work-out, this was a person who I knew who to be there for me when I needed him and everyone around us just knew we were meant to be…but it didn’t and we weren't.
No matter how much I wanted to deny it…I loved him more than anything and my heart was shattered. It was painful to come to gripes that no matter how great our chemistry was, no matter how much we had in common, no matter how good he was a being fantastic emotional support to me…it wasn't going to change that he wasn't ready to grow up.
Lessons to be Learned
When you feel that you have done everything right in a relationship and it fails, you feel like a failure and rejected. Unanswered questions swirl in your mind and sometimes bitterness can set in your heart, but you can't let that happen.
Every failed relationship is an experience that you must go through and a lesson taught to you. It is just one of the many paths we have to take to get to the right person.
What I took from the first heartbreak was a lesson that you can't make someone strong enough to be there for your or themselves…and crisis is a true test of a relationship and it's not worth it to stay with someone who is willing to run at the first sign of trouble. And from the third one…you can't get caught-up in cat and mouse games. It doesn't matter how much someone can care for you, if they aren't mentally and emotionally ready for a relationship, it isn't going to work.
Yes you must mourn the loss. Let's face it…when you are in love you build-up this dream-world of how you plan on spending the rest of your life with this person. And when that dream is snatched away without warning…it is down-right devastating.
However, on the grave of the failed relationship should be a headstone with the lesson to be learned engraved on it. Take that lesson and apply it. If you don't try to gain some wisdom and knowledge from the relationship you would have wasted your time and you will also have that same experience over and over with other people till you get it right.
Please try to learn the first time.
No room at the Inn
When the relationship was serious and your love was deep, sometimes you will have a hard time of letting go. Though your head knows it is over, your heart just doesn't want to let anyone else in. Every guy you meet just doesn't seem to measure up to what you had….this is a serious problem.
Yes I know it is hard to let go, but you have to be honest with yourself and know that if things were as perfect or if he was as perfect as you think, then you would still be together!
You have to open-up space in your heart for someone else to move in. No you will not totally forget this person or when things are stressful you won't yearn for their comfort, but the point is, is to not dwell on these feelings, but feel them for a moment then let it go.
My Conclusion
A month ago he was in town and wanted to see me. I was shocked, excited, and scared all at the same time. Shocked because I was surprise he actually took me up on the "call me if you are in town" thing, excited because I was homesick for NY and I was going to be able to have a piece of it here, and scared because I thought I was over him, but was worried I really wasn't and was going to spiral once I saw him.
Well we met at my office and I was excited when I saw his face. He hugged me and rubbed my back and in his arms that familiar feeling like I was home came rushing back.
We went to lunch and spent over an hour talking about the past, present, and future, but while we were talking I suddenly realize that YES I was over him FINALLY.
If you are stuck in that hamster wheel of longing for a past relationship…stop…right…now. Yes it is agony that it is over, but there IS contentment on other-side. If I, queen of dysfunctional unions can do it…then you can too.
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Monday, November 27, 2006
How to get back in the game...
If you have taken a hiatus from dating due to a relationship sabbatical for whatever reason in which you were doing some internal work, chances are you have been looking and giving off the vibe of being unavailable. This habit isn't as easy to break as one may think because once you commit yourself to being open to love; you have to do some external maintenance work.
Previously we have delve into the deep end of self-improvement, but now I want wade in the shallow end of things because well…regardless of how much we hate it, appearance is everything…and if you don't believe me, show-up at a job interview with jeans and a t-shirt and see what happens!
Shedding the old-armor
During my year-long sabbatical from dating…I took to the "I could care-less what I look like" look when it came to doing simple things, like running to the store for milk. However, once you decide that you want to jump into the dating game again…you have to remember that every public appearance is an opportunity. That isn't to say that you have to be glamed-up to take out the trash or be constantly on a man-hut, but you want to look decent enough that if you accidentally bump into someone in an aisle, or a clueless soul ask you where the tomatoes are…you will at least feel confident in your appearance to strike up a friendly conversation.
Remember confidence is everything when it comes to social situations and when you look good….you feel good about yourself.
A New Look
Another way to give your-self a boost in confidence is to go shopping and set aside clothes ear-marked for "social outings" or "date clothes." This helps give you initiative to get off your butt and put yourself out there. If you find a cute sexy top that you are dying to wear, you are more likely to drag yourself out of the house to wear it.
Loose Weight
Chances are that while you were either soul searching after a break-up or dedicated yourself to your career, you began dating Ben & Jerry. This isn't a bad thing…but if you comb through your closet and find the last outfit you wore on a big date and it doesn't fit…don't panic or get upset with yourself but consider this as an opportunity to start fixing up the barn.
I can lie to you and say embrace yourself the way you are, but you and I both know that you won't and will complain about the 10-25 extra pounds you gained until you do something about it. Remember again confidence is everything and if you honestly don't feel comfortable with where you are right now with your weight then make strides to change it.
I know I am a far cry from my "dating weight" but that doesn't stop me from working on it, while still seeking out potential partners.
Rome wasn't built in a day and you will not loose weight over night, so don't feel that you have to wait to start dating till you have lost all the weight. You can still be socially active and with every pound you shed, your confidence will rise and people will start to take notice.
Now before I hear someone screaming for me to turn in my feminist card let's think about this…
If you aren't willing to consider someone who doesn't take care of their appearance or their body…then how on earth came you expect them to expect less from you?
Become a Social-Lite
Potential dates are NOT going to randomly show-up at your door on Friday night in the middle of your USA Law & Order marathon. You have to actually put yourself out there which means join a social club, participate in your favorite hobby, and attend parties that your friends throw.
And While you're out…
Remember you are there to have fun first and foremost. Yes you are looking for potential partners, but if you have this expectation that you are going to meet someone every time you go out, then you will be setting yourself up for disappointment over and over again. Your main objective is to look your best and come home with a tummy ache from laughing so hard. People want to get to know people who look like they are having fun…not people who are desperately scanning the room on a man-hunt.
Someone they should know
For the 100th time…confidence is everything so when you enter a room, remember that the world is your stage. Hold your head-up high, smile, and sash-say yourself into the room and start meeting and greeting. You presence should always command attention…not demand it.
Be You.
If you are a Type-A person who has a ton of personality like moi, then work with it.
For example, say you are at a social event where there is dancing. Don't wait till the floor is filled-up before you go out there and shake your groove thing. Show off your confidence and your amazing hips by hitting the dance floor and get the party started. This says to a man, that one…you are confident and sexy, and two…you don't take yourself seriously and know how to have fun.
Learn how to make your personality type work for you, so you can attract the right people that will compliment your personality.
Previously we have delve into the deep end of self-improvement, but now I want wade in the shallow end of things because well…regardless of how much we hate it, appearance is everything…and if you don't believe me, show-up at a job interview with jeans and a t-shirt and see what happens!
Shedding the old-armor
During my year-long sabbatical from dating…I took to the "I could care-less what I look like" look when it came to doing simple things, like running to the store for milk. However, once you decide that you want to jump into the dating game again…you have to remember that every public appearance is an opportunity. That isn't to say that you have to be glamed-up to take out the trash or be constantly on a man-hut, but you want to look decent enough that if you accidentally bump into someone in an aisle, or a clueless soul ask you where the tomatoes are…you will at least feel confident in your appearance to strike up a friendly conversation.
Remember confidence is everything when it comes to social situations and when you look good….you feel good about yourself.
A New Look
Another way to give your-self a boost in confidence is to go shopping and set aside clothes ear-marked for "social outings" or "date clothes." This helps give you initiative to get off your butt and put yourself out there. If you find a cute sexy top that you are dying to wear, you are more likely to drag yourself out of the house to wear it.
Loose Weight
Chances are that while you were either soul searching after a break-up or dedicated yourself to your career, you began dating Ben & Jerry. This isn't a bad thing…but if you comb through your closet and find the last outfit you wore on a big date and it doesn't fit…don't panic or get upset with yourself but consider this as an opportunity to start fixing up the barn.
I can lie to you and say embrace yourself the way you are, but you and I both know that you won't and will complain about the 10-25 extra pounds you gained until you do something about it. Remember again confidence is everything and if you honestly don't feel comfortable with where you are right now with your weight then make strides to change it.
I know I am a far cry from my "dating weight" but that doesn't stop me from working on it, while still seeking out potential partners.
Rome wasn't built in a day and you will not loose weight over night, so don't feel that you have to wait to start dating till you have lost all the weight. You can still be socially active and with every pound you shed, your confidence will rise and people will start to take notice.
Now before I hear someone screaming for me to turn in my feminist card let's think about this…
If you aren't willing to consider someone who doesn't take care of their appearance or their body…then how on earth came you expect them to expect less from you?
Become a Social-Lite
Potential dates are NOT going to randomly show-up at your door on Friday night in the middle of your USA Law & Order marathon. You have to actually put yourself out there which means join a social club, participate in your favorite hobby, and attend parties that your friends throw.
And While you're out…
Remember you are there to have fun first and foremost. Yes you are looking for potential partners, but if you have this expectation that you are going to meet someone every time you go out, then you will be setting yourself up for disappointment over and over again. Your main objective is to look your best and come home with a tummy ache from laughing so hard. People want to get to know people who look like they are having fun…not people who are desperately scanning the room on a man-hunt.
Someone they should know
For the 100th time…confidence is everything so when you enter a room, remember that the world is your stage. Hold your head-up high, smile, and sash-say yourself into the room and start meeting and greeting. You presence should always command attention…not demand it.
Be You.
If you are a Type-A person who has a ton of personality like moi, then work with it.
For example, say you are at a social event where there is dancing. Don't wait till the floor is filled-up before you go out there and shake your groove thing. Show off your confidence and your amazing hips by hitting the dance floor and get the party started. This says to a man, that one…you are confident and sexy, and two…you don't take yourself seriously and know how to have fun.
Learn how to make your personality type work for you, so you can attract the right people that will compliment your personality.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
The Space Between
Though the space between is a popular song sung by Dave Matthews, I like to define this term as the time between getting to know each other and or friendship and an exclusive relationship. This space is inevitable in most relationships because strangers don't just walk-up to one another and declare love. However, this very delicate place should NOT be maintain for long periods of time because complications and miscommunication can happen leaving the two people bitter and disillusioned with each other.
To really explain this I will be give you a full-length example about a couple name Ben and Mary.
Ben and Mary met through mutual friends and from the first hello felt like they were really connected. Both were causally dating other people as their friendship grew but then stop seeing other people and started seeing each other more often. Both had issues with rejection so neither broached the subject of dating, but in a sense they were in The Space Between. It was assumed that every weekend was a standing date unless they decided to spend time with their friends. Most weekends they spent time cuddled-up together sharing their hopes, dreams, and fears and bonded significantly on an emotionally level…however again they were only in The Space Between.
Then one day Ben mentions a co-worker at work that he thought was awesome and loved to play golf just like him…Mary did not play golf. Thus, all Mary heard in the statement was that there was another woman of interest in his life, and this non-couple cozy little world started to fall apart. Mary not having any security about their relationship panics because she knows that Ben has absolutely no commitment to her, and because Ben never addressed the un-resolved tension between them, she wasn't 100% sure that he cared for her as more than a friend…because after all why hasn't he spoken up yet? Mary is also starting to feel vulnerable because perhaps she has been sending off signals that she had feelings for him and this was Ben's way of hinting to her that he didn't feel the same. Sure it would be easy if Mary just came out and ask Ben, but she was NOT going to stick her neck out for rejection and ruin their Space Between.
So, in Mary's panic she out of the blue starts to talk about Paul…her coworker and starts to tell Ben how wonderful he is…and how smitten she is. First Ben is confused as to how Paul has anything to do with golf and second Ben's insecurities of their relationship starts rushing to the surface as well.
Ben has always been fond of Mary and had entertain the idea of being in a relationship with her in the past, but his extreme fear of rejection and strong friendship with Mary has made him hesitant to do so. But now that Mary seems to be fond of this jerk…um I mean guy named Paul…Ben is thinking that perhaps he should mentally back off his feelings with Mary and pursue things with another girl…perhaps the coworker Sarah.
Notice I said mentally back-off...not physically. Ben is quite comfortable in his cozy little Space Between with Mary and doesn't want to loose a good thing. I mean where else in the world can you get the benefits of having a girlfriend without actually having a girlfriend then in The Space Between…right?
Back and forth they send hints to each other that the other isn't interested…but feelings are starting to get hurt.
Mary feels like she is being used…which in a way she is…because how can Ben occupy so much of her life without thinking twice about it before running off with some coworker? Ben on the other hand is bitter because …what does Paul have that he doesn't? How come Mary wasn't happy with the relationship?…Sure it wasn't official or anything, but she could have spoke up first if she wanted more…He might have said yes.
Well eventually, Ben ends up with Sarah, and Mary makes a half-hearted attempt at Paul.
Some men are capable of being in love with a woman and being content with another; however, for women we tend to fall in love with one man and have a hard time sharing our hearts with anyone else. Which is why you see men breaking up with a serious girlfriend one day and being engaged a year later to someone else.
Anyway, without the constant presence of Mary in his life, Ben realizes that though Sarah is great, Mary is…well Mary and in a drunken stupor calls Mary to confess his feelings.
Mary gets the call and is conflicted. She is glad that FINALLY she knows that Ben feels the same way, but at the same time he is with Sarah and well…there is so much hurt she has from how they fell apart…plus there is a slight chance that tomorrow Ben will wake-up and realize what he has done and "not remember" the phone call.
Alcohol is a man's bestfriend when it comes to "forgetting" emotional statements. Sure they say that they don't "remember" calling you or texting you declaring their love, but they do and aren't ready to really deal with their feelings.
So Mary only shares a little bit of her feelings, that way if he doesn't "remember" she can always explain away anything that she says. But for the purpose of this story, Ben does remember the next day and makes the dreaded phone call Sarah.
Now you would think that things should be happily ever after right? But what you are forgetting is all the pain these two caused each other. Though Ben and Mary are finally together, they now have issues with trust. Funny how in The Space Between they didn't seem to have any issues in the beginning, but in reality those trust issues where there the moment they decided to get comfortable.
Yes these two crazy kids can live happily ever after and their issues aren't something they can't get over and it actually won't take a lot of work, to work through, but it is better to keep that time period between more-than-friend/couple-dom to a short period of time.
The time limit can very based on the un-couple, but for sure this should not extend past a year's time. However, if you are already past the expiration date, it's time to settle-up.
Being a female myself, I know that most women don't feel that is their place to speak-up or are as terrified as the men are on this issue, so if you are too terrified to say anything at the very least try to drop large billboard sign, size hints that you enjoy what you have with this person and would like to see where they think this is going.
This way you aren't making demands on them, but am just trying to gage where they are at. For some, they might not have a clue because they have gotten so comfortable with getting all the fringe benefits without paying any dues that they haven't spent any time on thinking about your situation. If you aren't 100% sure that this is a dead-end subject for them and that they could possibly want to kick-start this relationship out of the gray area…bring it up again in a couple of days or so…because hopefully your question would have them thinking about the two of you.
However, even though things in the beginning seemed like they were taking a turn for bliss…time and The Space Between could have done some irreparable damage and that person will no longer sees you as more than a substitute mate. If this is the case then it is time for you to untangle yourself from this situation, spend a very, very limited time with this person and go out there and start some damn intentionally dating!
To really explain this I will be give you a full-length example about a couple name Ben and Mary.
Ben and Mary met through mutual friends and from the first hello felt like they were really connected. Both were causally dating other people as their friendship grew but then stop seeing other people and started seeing each other more often. Both had issues with rejection so neither broached the subject of dating, but in a sense they were in The Space Between. It was assumed that every weekend was a standing date unless they decided to spend time with their friends. Most weekends they spent time cuddled-up together sharing their hopes, dreams, and fears and bonded significantly on an emotionally level…however again they were only in The Space Between.
Then one day Ben mentions a co-worker at work that he thought was awesome and loved to play golf just like him…Mary did not play golf. Thus, all Mary heard in the statement was that there was another woman of interest in his life, and this non-couple cozy little world started to fall apart. Mary not having any security about their relationship panics because she knows that Ben has absolutely no commitment to her, and because Ben never addressed the un-resolved tension between them, she wasn't 100% sure that he cared for her as more than a friend…because after all why hasn't he spoken up yet? Mary is also starting to feel vulnerable because perhaps she has been sending off signals that she had feelings for him and this was Ben's way of hinting to her that he didn't feel the same. Sure it would be easy if Mary just came out and ask Ben, but she was NOT going to stick her neck out for rejection and ruin their Space Between.
So, in Mary's panic she out of the blue starts to talk about Paul…her coworker and starts to tell Ben how wonderful he is…and how smitten she is. First Ben is confused as to how Paul has anything to do with golf and second Ben's insecurities of their relationship starts rushing to the surface as well.
Ben has always been fond of Mary and had entertain the idea of being in a relationship with her in the past, but his extreme fear of rejection and strong friendship with Mary has made him hesitant to do so. But now that Mary seems to be fond of this jerk…um I mean guy named Paul…Ben is thinking that perhaps he should mentally back off his feelings with Mary and pursue things with another girl…perhaps the coworker Sarah.
Notice I said mentally back-off...not physically. Ben is quite comfortable in his cozy little Space Between with Mary and doesn't want to loose a good thing. I mean where else in the world can you get the benefits of having a girlfriend without actually having a girlfriend then in The Space Between…right?
Back and forth they send hints to each other that the other isn't interested…but feelings are starting to get hurt.
Mary feels like she is being used…which in a way she is…because how can Ben occupy so much of her life without thinking twice about it before running off with some coworker? Ben on the other hand is bitter because …what does Paul have that he doesn't? How come Mary wasn't happy with the relationship?…Sure it wasn't official or anything, but she could have spoke up first if she wanted more…He might have said yes.
Well eventually, Ben ends up with Sarah, and Mary makes a half-hearted attempt at Paul.
Some men are capable of being in love with a woman and being content with another; however, for women we tend to fall in love with one man and have a hard time sharing our hearts with anyone else. Which is why you see men breaking up with a serious girlfriend one day and being engaged a year later to someone else.
Anyway, without the constant presence of Mary in his life, Ben realizes that though Sarah is great, Mary is…well Mary and in a drunken stupor calls Mary to confess his feelings.
Mary gets the call and is conflicted. She is glad that FINALLY she knows that Ben feels the same way, but at the same time he is with Sarah and well…there is so much hurt she has from how they fell apart…plus there is a slight chance that tomorrow Ben will wake-up and realize what he has done and "not remember" the phone call.
Alcohol is a man's bestfriend when it comes to "forgetting" emotional statements. Sure they say that they don't "remember" calling you or texting you declaring their love, but they do and aren't ready to really deal with their feelings.
So Mary only shares a little bit of her feelings, that way if he doesn't "remember" she can always explain away anything that she says. But for the purpose of this story, Ben does remember the next day and makes the dreaded phone call Sarah.
Now you would think that things should be happily ever after right? But what you are forgetting is all the pain these two caused each other. Though Ben and Mary are finally together, they now have issues with trust. Funny how in The Space Between they didn't seem to have any issues in the beginning, but in reality those trust issues where there the moment they decided to get comfortable.
Yes these two crazy kids can live happily ever after and their issues aren't something they can't get over and it actually won't take a lot of work, to work through, but it is better to keep that time period between more-than-friend/couple-dom to a short period of time.
The time limit can very based on the un-couple, but for sure this should not extend past a year's time. However, if you are already past the expiration date, it's time to settle-up.
Being a female myself, I know that most women don't feel that is their place to speak-up or are as terrified as the men are on this issue, so if you are too terrified to say anything at the very least try to drop large billboard sign, size hints that you enjoy what you have with this person and would like to see where they think this is going.
This way you aren't making demands on them, but am just trying to gage where they are at. For some, they might not have a clue because they have gotten so comfortable with getting all the fringe benefits without paying any dues that they haven't spent any time on thinking about your situation. If you aren't 100% sure that this is a dead-end subject for them and that they could possibly want to kick-start this relationship out of the gray area…bring it up again in a couple of days or so…because hopefully your question would have them thinking about the two of you.
However, even though things in the beginning seemed like they were taking a turn for bliss…time and The Space Between could have done some irreparable damage and that person will no longer sees you as more than a substitute mate. If this is the case then it is time for you to untangle yourself from this situation, spend a very, very limited time with this person and go out there and start some damn intentionally dating!
Monday, November 20, 2006
Letting Love Grow
This weekend I was on the phone with my best-friend and we were discussing how our former mentor found her husband. Our mentor is a very beautiful woman who could have her pick of men and was always in a relationship, but she a met this man who had everything going for him, from personality to similar values, to success…but she wasn't physically attracted to him at first. But do to his persistence and his wonderful heart, he won her over and eventually they married and she is quite happy. Her secret to falling in love with him was letting love grow between them.
Society is quite drunk on wanting the perfect ten and amazing chemistry and Hollywood has been serving-up this delusional liquid to us since the days of silent films…hence our sad divorce rate. When people pick potential mates based on what makes their groin thumps instead of important things like values…then a relationship can fizzle out quite quickly.
You hear people say it all the time…"I have fallen out of love with you." In these relationships that "love" that people talk about isn't a companionship type of love but the chemically produced kind which comes and goes all the time in a long relationship. Which is why it is so important to not just look at physical features and other superficial components in looking for a potential mate.
Have you ever wanted something so bad for Christmas only to get something else and your first reaction is disappointment until days later you realize that the gift you got was something you never knew you wanted and can't imagine life without it? Like you wanted a shiny new bike, but get an art set instead and weeks later you find out that you are an amazing artist because your parents saw the potential in you that you didn't see.
Sometimes God is like that when picking out a mate for us. We may have some fantastic person in mind, but He knows better and will bring someone in our lives that we never knew we couldn't live without.
Now that isn't to say that we all don't have a dream person in mind. It is natural to have this perfect wonderful person you build-up in your mind when you consider what you want in a mate, but you must remember how unrealistic it is to get everything you want. You should consider holding on to the things you really need to make a relationship work and keep the rest in fantasy-land.
For me my perfect person is a guy who is about seven years older, 5'6, dark black hair, deep blue eyes, plays the guitar well, has an amazing voice (so he can sing and play lullabies to the babies), have a career that he is passionate about, have the same faith as mine, agrees with everything I believe, his parents must be young (since my are old)…and oh also must be Irish.
My dream-man sounds like the perfect unrealistic person ever…and you know what? I have yet to date a man with black hair and deep blue eyes…heck 75% of the men I have dated were blond and brown eye men. One of which was the love of my life and was much better then my list of requirements.
It was a situation of right person/wrong time which is why we are not together, but like most people I at first didn't give him a second thought because he didn't fit my "needs."
My first impression of him was not good. It wasn't because he did anything wrong, but I just decided that I would probably hate him. We met our first week of camp (we were counselors) and I try to spend as little time talking to him as possible. He wanted to get to know me so bad that during a 2 hour canoe trip he told the whole staff not to let me be their canoe partners because he wanted to spend that time with me.
I was reluctant to partner-up with him because I had absolutely no interest in getting to know him, but let me tell you by the end of that trip there was no doubt in my mind that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.
It is amazing how if we let certain people in our lives that we usually wouldn't somehow they will surprise us….despite them not fitting into our little modes.
So often we complain that there aren't any eligible people in our lives, but if we just look around in our friend circle, the office, church, or school just a little bit harder, perhaps you are overlooking some catches based on some faulty thinking.
Now I am not saying you have to consider people you are repulsed by, but start considering people who might fit some important values instead of just the superficial ones. Perhaps when you are spending time with this person, your heart doesn't necessarily skip a beat or you don't want to rip their clothes off every time you see them, but if this is a person who you know will always be there for you and share your same values, then maybe there could be something there.
Falling in love with someone doesn't happen overnight or even in a year for some people. It takes time to let love grow between two people and it has to be nurtured and cultivated.
Love that last is built on a strong foundation of mutual respect and common values, not on amazing orgasms and the perfect body.
So the next time you see that shy and quite guy/girl at the water-cooler…get to know them because you never know what can happen.
Society is quite drunk on wanting the perfect ten and amazing chemistry and Hollywood has been serving-up this delusional liquid to us since the days of silent films…hence our sad divorce rate. When people pick potential mates based on what makes their groin thumps instead of important things like values…then a relationship can fizzle out quite quickly.
You hear people say it all the time…"I have fallen out of love with you." In these relationships that "love" that people talk about isn't a companionship type of love but the chemically produced kind which comes and goes all the time in a long relationship. Which is why it is so important to not just look at physical features and other superficial components in looking for a potential mate.
Have you ever wanted something so bad for Christmas only to get something else and your first reaction is disappointment until days later you realize that the gift you got was something you never knew you wanted and can't imagine life without it? Like you wanted a shiny new bike, but get an art set instead and weeks later you find out that you are an amazing artist because your parents saw the potential in you that you didn't see.
Sometimes God is like that when picking out a mate for us. We may have some fantastic person in mind, but He knows better and will bring someone in our lives that we never knew we couldn't live without.
Now that isn't to say that we all don't have a dream person in mind. It is natural to have this perfect wonderful person you build-up in your mind when you consider what you want in a mate, but you must remember how unrealistic it is to get everything you want. You should consider holding on to the things you really need to make a relationship work and keep the rest in fantasy-land.
For me my perfect person is a guy who is about seven years older, 5'6, dark black hair, deep blue eyes, plays the guitar well, has an amazing voice (so he can sing and play lullabies to the babies), have a career that he is passionate about, have the same faith as mine, agrees with everything I believe, his parents must be young (since my are old)…and oh also must be Irish.
My dream-man sounds like the perfect unrealistic person ever…and you know what? I have yet to date a man with black hair and deep blue eyes…heck 75% of the men I have dated were blond and brown eye men. One of which was the love of my life and was much better then my list of requirements.
It was a situation of right person/wrong time which is why we are not together, but like most people I at first didn't give him a second thought because he didn't fit my "needs."
My first impression of him was not good. It wasn't because he did anything wrong, but I just decided that I would probably hate him. We met our first week of camp (we were counselors) and I try to spend as little time talking to him as possible. He wanted to get to know me so bad that during a 2 hour canoe trip he told the whole staff not to let me be their canoe partners because he wanted to spend that time with me.
I was reluctant to partner-up with him because I had absolutely no interest in getting to know him, but let me tell you by the end of that trip there was no doubt in my mind that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.
It is amazing how if we let certain people in our lives that we usually wouldn't somehow they will surprise us….despite them not fitting into our little modes.
So often we complain that there aren't any eligible people in our lives, but if we just look around in our friend circle, the office, church, or school just a little bit harder, perhaps you are overlooking some catches based on some faulty thinking.
Now I am not saying you have to consider people you are repulsed by, but start considering people who might fit some important values instead of just the superficial ones. Perhaps when you are spending time with this person, your heart doesn't necessarily skip a beat or you don't want to rip their clothes off every time you see them, but if this is a person who you know will always be there for you and share your same values, then maybe there could be something there.
Falling in love with someone doesn't happen overnight or even in a year for some people. It takes time to let love grow between two people and it has to be nurtured and cultivated.
Love that last is built on a strong foundation of mutual respect and common values, not on amazing orgasms and the perfect body.
So the next time you see that shy and quite guy/girl at the water-cooler…get to know them because you never know what can happen.
Friday, November 17, 2006
The sins of the ex...
Should NOT be visited upon the current.
Most of us have had bad experiences in relationships; however this does not mean we should make our current love pay for them.
Some of us have played both the neurotic and the victim on this issue. For example, an ex cheats on a guy and the next girlfriend is forbidden to have too much contact with the male species and every time her cell phone rings and it is a guy…the accusations starts to fly. Or a girl's ex was emotionally abusive to her, pushing her to diet and demeaning everything she does, then one day the current tries to make a joke or suggest that she inhaled her dinner quickly and the next thing she knows she has collapsed into a unloved crying heap on the floor…and four months later the guy is in some support group for friends and family of people who have eating disorders.
The list can go on and go about how we in one way or another sentenced our currents to a relationship or misery just because we can't leave the past in the past.
First and foremost you must forgive those who have harmed you in anyway and use those experiences to help others or teach you about the potholes that lie ahead. Second, every new person that you decide to spend quality time with deserves a fair shot.
I personally know how hard it is to not react to every little thing that reminds you of the past. Some of us have had relationships that were really emotionally or even physically damaging. It is almost like being a Vietnam War Veteran who is shell shocked where some comments or actions are like firecrackers going off and you feel you either need to fight or run for cover. However, before you start breaking into your current's email account try to do these simple things.
When comments or actions happen that send you reeling back to the past, try not to react. Yeah I know it is hard and as a decorated Veteran of bad relationships…I know it almost seem downright impossible, but just try to stop yourself from saying or doing anything potentially harmful.
First decide if your current really is showing signs that you are making the same mistake again, or if you are just overreacting. If it is the former, then you might want to re-elevate the relationship because sometimes those feelings from the past can actually be a warning sign that you are about to take the same old road again. If it is the latter, then play out whatever psychotic action you want to do or say in your mind…then imagine what the impact of that will be. If you are honest with yourself then you will realize that your so-call protecting yourself will eventually push someone away that might truly care for you. A person can only do or say so much to assure you of their affections for you, so you convicting them of a past crime over and over again will eventually send them running for the hills.
Next after you have played out the scenario in your mind, either sit down and be honest with yourself on whether or not you are ready for a healthy relationship in which you go seek help, or start being open and honest with your current about your fears and try to work together on how to deal with these insecurities.
Just remember the whole point of the past is to prepare us for the future, not for it to dictate the future.
Most of us have had bad experiences in relationships; however this does not mean we should make our current love pay for them.
Some of us have played both the neurotic and the victim on this issue. For example, an ex cheats on a guy and the next girlfriend is forbidden to have too much contact with the male species and every time her cell phone rings and it is a guy…the accusations starts to fly. Or a girl's ex was emotionally abusive to her, pushing her to diet and demeaning everything she does, then one day the current tries to make a joke or suggest that she inhaled her dinner quickly and the next thing she knows she has collapsed into a unloved crying heap on the floor…and four months later the guy is in some support group for friends and family of people who have eating disorders.
The list can go on and go about how we in one way or another sentenced our currents to a relationship or misery just because we can't leave the past in the past.
First and foremost you must forgive those who have harmed you in anyway and use those experiences to help others or teach you about the potholes that lie ahead. Second, every new person that you decide to spend quality time with deserves a fair shot.
I personally know how hard it is to not react to every little thing that reminds you of the past. Some of us have had relationships that were really emotionally or even physically damaging. It is almost like being a Vietnam War Veteran who is shell shocked where some comments or actions are like firecrackers going off and you feel you either need to fight or run for cover. However, before you start breaking into your current's email account try to do these simple things.
When comments or actions happen that send you reeling back to the past, try not to react. Yeah I know it is hard and as a decorated Veteran of bad relationships…I know it almost seem downright impossible, but just try to stop yourself from saying or doing anything potentially harmful.
First decide if your current really is showing signs that you are making the same mistake again, or if you are just overreacting. If it is the former, then you might want to re-elevate the relationship because sometimes those feelings from the past can actually be a warning sign that you are about to take the same old road again. If it is the latter, then play out whatever psychotic action you want to do or say in your mind…then imagine what the impact of that will be. If you are honest with yourself then you will realize that your so-call protecting yourself will eventually push someone away that might truly care for you. A person can only do or say so much to assure you of their affections for you, so you convicting them of a past crime over and over again will eventually send them running for the hills.
Next after you have played out the scenario in your mind, either sit down and be honest with yourself on whether or not you are ready for a healthy relationship in which you go seek help, or start being open and honest with your current about your fears and try to work together on how to deal with these insecurities.
Just remember the whole point of the past is to prepare us for the future, not for it to dictate the future.
If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
My dear friends…I am that warning.
If you are wondering what creditability I have on shelling out opinions and how much knowledge and wisdom I have on the subject on relationships…in one word…plenty.
Now this isn't because I spent 6 years of my life eating and breathing psychology until the day I realize I am not a fan of human beings, but it is because I have done everything and to this day, still do everything wrong when it comes to love. Therefore, in the mist of my mistakes, I realize what I was supposed to do…then past that knowledge on to those of come after me.
I like to liken myself to dear old departed Jacob Marley who came back from the dead to warn Scrooge about his bad behavior. I too come back from the relationship wasteland to warn others about the fate that awaits them if continue on the road of relational neurotic behavior. At my graceful age of 28 and total lack of ability to obtain a relationship…it might perhaps be too late for me…maybe, maybe not, but definitely not for you.
My resume of mistakes reads something like a three page resume…highlighted by the pitiful mistakes I have made. Mistakes like knowingly dating someone who had addictions to alcohol, gambling, and sex…because I thought my love will would get us through…yeah that's pure comedy…then there was the one that I allow myself to be friends with, without any sort of commitment while I secretly pinned away for him and was available to him 24/7 because that is what friends are for right? Well eventually said friend finally granted me my wish (how nice of him) and then proceeded to use me financially and emotionally for the longest year of my life.
There are other colorful examples that involved directionless men, "not really married men", and sexually confused men…but I won't go into that.
The point I am trying to make is that being a horrible warning is not fun and it is so much more worth it start being healthy now then to start singing the shoulda, coulda song.
If you are wondering what creditability I have on shelling out opinions and how much knowledge and wisdom I have on the subject on relationships…in one word…plenty.
Now this isn't because I spent 6 years of my life eating and breathing psychology until the day I realize I am not a fan of human beings, but it is because I have done everything and to this day, still do everything wrong when it comes to love. Therefore, in the mist of my mistakes, I realize what I was supposed to do…then past that knowledge on to those of come after me.
I like to liken myself to dear old departed Jacob Marley who came back from the dead to warn Scrooge about his bad behavior. I too come back from the relationship wasteland to warn others about the fate that awaits them if continue on the road of relational neurotic behavior. At my graceful age of 28 and total lack of ability to obtain a relationship…it might perhaps be too late for me…maybe, maybe not, but definitely not for you.
My resume of mistakes reads something like a three page resume…highlighted by the pitiful mistakes I have made. Mistakes like knowingly dating someone who had addictions to alcohol, gambling, and sex…because I thought my love will would get us through…yeah that's pure comedy…then there was the one that I allow myself to be friends with, without any sort of commitment while I secretly pinned away for him and was available to him 24/7 because that is what friends are for right? Well eventually said friend finally granted me my wish (how nice of him) and then proceeded to use me financially and emotionally for the longest year of my life.
There are other colorful examples that involved directionless men, "not really married men", and sexually confused men…but I won't go into that.
The point I am trying to make is that being a horrible warning is not fun and it is so much more worth it start being healthy now then to start singing the shoulda, coulda song.
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
The Male Teacher
No matter what relationship you have with a man, marriage/dating, friendship/in-between, or plain old related…you can learn something from them that will help you become a better person in any relationship. Whether women realize it or not, men can help us become a better person…even those who indulgences you in your narcissism in which they would be happy to write a burn book with you. So here my top four list of things that I have learned from the different men in my life…
The Art of Pointless Conversation: My Father
Now I know that this title sounds bizarre, but bear with me here.
Most women love to analyze just about every topic on the planet and 65% of our conversations revolve around men, shopping, diets, and celebrity talk. However, men have this ability to find the most innate thing to talk about and will expound on the wonders of it for hours.
Once my father and I spent a full hour talking about trees…yes trees and it was the best conversation ever. Talking about random stuff like this can bring you closer to a person just as much as talking about "the problems of the relationship, or where is this going." Men realize that not everything needs to be beaten to death or analyze to the point of exhaustion. Sometimes it is fun to sit around and shoot the shit (pardon the expression) and just enjoy each other's company without a clear purpose.
The Art of Fair Fighting: George
So my friend who we will call George has talked me a lot about how to effectively argue.
As a professional I deal with conflict head-on, but outside the office I have a tendency to fight like a stereotypical girl when it comes to men. I get upset, complain to my girlfriends about it, give the colder shoulder or make cutting remarks, but when ask by said male what is wrong…I say nothing and expect him to figure out what he did and if he doesn't…I decide that he just doesn't care enough to read my mind.
However, I think that I have made several strides to undo this behavior by mimicking George. When George is upset or irritated with me, he usually lets me know upfront and in the moment, or he will call and state why he is upset with me. In the past I was uneasy with conflict and thought that if a man was upset with me it meant that he doesn't care about me anymore, but it is actually the opposite…men do not let people they DON"T value upset them…only people they truly care about. So though it may take me a little bit longer then most men to share upset feelings…I am getting there.
The Art of Listening: George
Like most women I consider myself a fantastic listener because well…I am female, but the biggest misconception out there is that women are better listeners then men. That is I found to be a falsehood…because in reality sometimes women want to fix problems more then men do.
As women we have this motherly instinct to fix things and in the work environment, our male counterparts expect this from us on a daily basis, so we have a tendency to bring this behavior home with us…Memo to self and others…STOP DOING THIS!
First off, men do not like feeling vulnerable or weak. They are taught that they are the stronger sex who needs to be able to handle things…poor guys. So if a man in your life opens up to you….you should:
Number one: Feel completely and utterly honored that he has chosen you to do so. Because men do not call the world to talk about their emotions and the mere fact that they are willing to be vulnerable with you is important and not something to take lightly.
Number two: Do not share information with anyone. Like stated above, men aren't interested in calling up Dan and Joe to talk about how sad they are, so it isn't your place to share with the free world either. Even if said conversation doesn't come with a "keep this between us" disclaimer, if the conversation involves fears, sadness, or anything that has a theme of vulnerability…keep the emotional details within the confides of your relationship until further notice.
Number three: Do not interject. Sometimes we love to interject in the middle of someone's speech because we think we have the answer to the problem or we are trying to show that we understand them. Even if men try to fix your problems, they aren't really interested in you fixing theirs. Your job is to just listen…without interruptions or comparing their problems to yours or sharing your problems trying to sympathize with them. Your only job is to hear them out and ask what you can do make them feel better…which has nothing to do with actually fixing the problem. This could range from watching his favorite movie with him to doing a strip-tease for him…okay that last part was for the married folk, but you understand what I mean…the point is, is to learn to be a soft place to fall and his number #1 cheerleader (am I not talking about in a sexual way either).
The Art of Talking a Compliment: All men
For some reason, some of us women do not like to take compliments.
Whenever someone says something nice to us, we have to volley the comment back in their faces by saying something negative about ourselves. Memo self and others…STOP DOING THIS.
Who cares if you are 50 or more pounds overweight…if you look good in the outfit, then by golly you look good…period. So learn to say thank you…and if you simply must say something else, try complimenting the person back.
So whether you are single as dollar bill on happily coupled up...learning to something from the male species will not only help you become a better person, but will also bring you closer to them.
The Art of Pointless Conversation: My Father
Now I know that this title sounds bizarre, but bear with me here.
Most women love to analyze just about every topic on the planet and 65% of our conversations revolve around men, shopping, diets, and celebrity talk. However, men have this ability to find the most innate thing to talk about and will expound on the wonders of it for hours.
Once my father and I spent a full hour talking about trees…yes trees and it was the best conversation ever. Talking about random stuff like this can bring you closer to a person just as much as talking about "the problems of the relationship, or where is this going." Men realize that not everything needs to be beaten to death or analyze to the point of exhaustion. Sometimes it is fun to sit around and shoot the shit (pardon the expression) and just enjoy each other's company without a clear purpose.
The Art of Fair Fighting: George
So my friend who we will call George has talked me a lot about how to effectively argue.
As a professional I deal with conflict head-on, but outside the office I have a tendency to fight like a stereotypical girl when it comes to men. I get upset, complain to my girlfriends about it, give the colder shoulder or make cutting remarks, but when ask by said male what is wrong…I say nothing and expect him to figure out what he did and if he doesn't…I decide that he just doesn't care enough to read my mind.
However, I think that I have made several strides to undo this behavior by mimicking George. When George is upset or irritated with me, he usually lets me know upfront and in the moment, or he will call and state why he is upset with me. In the past I was uneasy with conflict and thought that if a man was upset with me it meant that he doesn't care about me anymore, but it is actually the opposite…men do not let people they DON"T value upset them…only people they truly care about. So though it may take me a little bit longer then most men to share upset feelings…I am getting there.
The Art of Listening: George
Like most women I consider myself a fantastic listener because well…I am female, but the biggest misconception out there is that women are better listeners then men. That is I found to be a falsehood…because in reality sometimes women want to fix problems more then men do.
As women we have this motherly instinct to fix things and in the work environment, our male counterparts expect this from us on a daily basis, so we have a tendency to bring this behavior home with us…Memo to self and others…STOP DOING THIS!
First off, men do not like feeling vulnerable or weak. They are taught that they are the stronger sex who needs to be able to handle things…poor guys. So if a man in your life opens up to you….you should:
Number one: Feel completely and utterly honored that he has chosen you to do so. Because men do not call the world to talk about their emotions and the mere fact that they are willing to be vulnerable with you is important and not something to take lightly.
Number two: Do not share information with anyone. Like stated above, men aren't interested in calling up Dan and Joe to talk about how sad they are, so it isn't your place to share with the free world either. Even if said conversation doesn't come with a "keep this between us" disclaimer, if the conversation involves fears, sadness, or anything that has a theme of vulnerability…keep the emotional details within the confides of your relationship until further notice.
Number three: Do not interject. Sometimes we love to interject in the middle of someone's speech because we think we have the answer to the problem or we are trying to show that we understand them. Even if men try to fix your problems, they aren't really interested in you fixing theirs. Your job is to just listen…without interruptions or comparing their problems to yours or sharing your problems trying to sympathize with them. Your only job is to hear them out and ask what you can do make them feel better…which has nothing to do with actually fixing the problem. This could range from watching his favorite movie with him to doing a strip-tease for him…okay that last part was for the married folk, but you understand what I mean…the point is, is to learn to be a soft place to fall and his number #1 cheerleader (am I not talking about in a sexual way either).
The Art of Talking a Compliment: All men
For some reason, some of us women do not like to take compliments.
Whenever someone says something nice to us, we have to volley the comment back in their faces by saying something negative about ourselves. Memo self and others…STOP DOING THIS.
Who cares if you are 50 or more pounds overweight…if you look good in the outfit, then by golly you look good…period. So learn to say thank you…and if you simply must say something else, try complimenting the person back.
So whether you are single as dollar bill on happily coupled up...learning to something from the male species will not only help you become a better person, but will also bring you closer to them.
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