So what do you want?

So what do you want?

Okay so I talked about what you should bring table and all the wonderful things that you need to be, but I think it is equally important to figure what you want when it comes to values and morals in mate. Sure you have the “it would be nice list” but what are the deal breakers?

Though you are probably sick of reading list, I am obsessed with making them to so deal with it!

What I need...

§ Someone who has a strong religious and theological background.
§ Values family life and enjoys it
§ Isn’t materialistic and wants to teach our children what is important in life
§ Supports my views on corporal punishment
§ Wants a big family (3-5 children)
§ Regardless of their political views, support mine and my activitism
§ Believes in being the spiritual head of the home and is active in the church
§ Believes in drinking very moderately and has a wine only policy within the home
§ Knows how to argue and never resorts to excessive swearing or inappropriate name calling in an argument (emotional abuse is NEVER okay)
§ Can or learns how to communicate…no passive/aggressive behavior
§ Believes in having quality couple time, but still has a life of his own and (I think it is important for both people to maintain individual identities)

Wading Back In…

So as you can tell by the new counter at the top, I haven’t been kissed in forever as well as been on a date since January 2, 2004! I went through a sabbatical on dating for a while, and then had Space-in-between with a fellow grad student, then a long flirt-relationship with a coworker, and just nothing for the last year. I have been so consumed with trying to establish my professional life that I have neglected my personal life completely and used free time to hang-out with friends and do laundry. I haven’t spent any time going out and meeting new people to even bump into any potential partners. I just kept saying “once I find a great job then I will start to think seriously about a dating, or once I loose 40 pounds I will start to put myself out there.”

Well this thinking isn’t really great because you know what? Life will never be perfect enough for you to pursue a relationship or get married. So if you are like me and aren’t dating or proposing because you are waiting for all your financial ducks to be in a row, or waiting to be done with school, or waiting for the sky to turn purple, stop this thinking right now. Life is what is happening to us right now while we are waiting for this utopia to happen, and you know what? Dating and mating is apart of life. And let’s face it…there are some things that aren’t in your control so if you are holding your breath you just might pass-out. So if you are waiting to be matched for residency and am putting off getting into a relationship because “you don’t do long distance” isn’t a great idea because who’s to say that person is going to sit around and wait for you? And just because long distance doesn’t appeal to you or didn’t work in the past doesn’t mean you should close yourself off to it. Limiting yourself and setting up rules based on your fears isn’t a good idea because you can miss out on a lot of exciting opportunities and memories that you might cherish. Now for the things that are within your control, work on them but don’t use it as an excuse to hide out at home. Me…I am 15 pounds down and 15 more to go before summer hits, but I am not going to let that stop me from dipping my toe in the dating pool.

I realized that there are so many things that I miss about dating or like about dating that it has started to out-way my fear of rejection and fear of being in a bad relationship. Here is my list:

What I miss…

1. Having someone who really cares about me so much that they invest interest in my life in which they want to share in my joys and sorrows.
   
2. Having someone come over to my house for movie marathons, like the Godfather series, where we snuggle-up together on my coach and I feel comfortable enough to fall asleep in their lap.
3. 
   Strolling down the street hand-in-hand with someone on a spring/summer day and stealing quick kisses because, hey we are crazy about each other.
   
4. Being kissed on the forehead after saying something completely politically incorrect or just plain strange because well…I am bit eccentric.
   
5. Having someone to do church activities with.
   
6. Once in awhile talking on the phone till 1am on a school night and going to work the next day tired, but content because every minute spent chatting was worth it.
   
7. Sharing dreams and my life as a child with someone and vice versa.
   
8. Getting all spruced up to go out to dinner because it’s a special date.
   
9. Being in a room with someone on a Sunday afternoon reading perspective books/papers and not saying a thing.
   
10. Cooking a special meal for them and vice versa.
    
11. Indoor and outdoor picnics.
    
12. Hearing “wow you look pretty today/tonight.”
    
13. Mix cds
    
14. Window shopping for furniture and dishware.
    
15. Football Sundays
    
16. Cleaning together on a Saturday morning listening to the music loud and busting into singing and soul-train line dancing (if you haven’t tried this with a partner let me tell you it is fun, fun, fun…especially if it Usher playing.
    
17. Praying together.
    
18. Literally having a shoulder to cry on.
    
19. Saying I love you to someone.
    
20. Small tokens of affection.
    

Guard your hearts Part 2 (For the Men)

Because this blog format post the latest thing written at the top, scroll down to read Part 1 of this mini-series. And yes if you are a guy you should still read the post for the women because at the very lest you have a little insight into how we think sometimes…moving on.

So Fred, the girl from a/p isn’t all that you expected and your interest has waned, but Sarah your Tuesday/Thursday lunch buddy might be an option. You think she is fairly cute, she listens to you even when you get sick of hearing yourself, she is kind to small animals or whatever cute or strange, or wonderful thing you like about her. But you are just friends and haven’t actually looked at her in that way, but your heart is softening and it scares you…how I know…because I must have heard it from your species a thousand times how scary it is to take a chance and ruin a great friendship. So what’s a boy to do? Well first, if you really have an interest but are scared to face it, then (here I go being a religious-nut for someone of you), pray about it. Ask God if this is something you should pursue and pray for the courage to do so. Don’t worry about how things will be different because if she is carrying her R.S.K. she will know how to deal it.

So Fred, you don’t like the girl from a/p and when you think of Sarah, you see her as a little-brother…I mean sister, but you have a sneaky suspicion that Sarah might be fond of you…so what’s a boy to do? First examine your behavior to see if you are leading her on. Then do nothing…that’s right I am letting you off the hook! It is NOT your place to take care of her heart, you didn’t sign-up for that job nor should you take responsibility…this is only if you haven’t been leading her on however. Now if you have been leading her on then you need to let her know how you really feel about her without embarrassing her or being cocky enough to tell her that you know she has feelings but you don’t. Women aren’t stupid and she will get the hint. Once she does she might pull away a bit…which has nothing to do with you, but everything to do with her needing time to heal and build a guard around her heart so that when she re-enters the friendship she will be able to handle it, so don’t get bent-out of shape because she excuses herself for a while…you should be happy and admire that she is mature enough to understand that she has to take care of herself. Because as temping as it seems, you men really don’t want a woman who lacks self-respect and trip all over herself to be in your presence whenever you say jump.

Navigating through the male/female relationship land-mine isn’t easy.

This all leads us to the conclusion of this series about crossing-over from friends to partners…which is a heck of a lot harder than dating a stranger off the street!

To be continued...

Guard your hearts Part 1(For the Women)

So as mentioned before we have all gone down that destructive path of un-requited love, and again as mentioned before I have talked about the self destructive ways in which we deal with it, but now I want to talk about how to avoid it.

By now we all know that the Space-between is a sure-fire way of getting hurt, but the root of why we end up there is because as women, we have a hard time guarding out hearts. In the past I use to live and die by every emotion that I felt, but this was done all internally because I would pretend on the outside that things were fine…until I couldn’t stand it anymore and let it out in…which again it back-fired. What I didn’t understand at the time that it is okay to have certain feelings, especially when it is a fondness or a love for the opposite-sex, but it is how you deal with those feelings that separate the grown-women from the little-girls.

Heart-break after heart-break and self-help book after self-help book has given me the tools to deal with such issues, that once they arise I walk in the full knowledge that I will be able to navigate through my feelings and the relationship without having compromise myself. Let me break this down to you.

Let’s say that unbeknownst to you find that your coworker who you have lunch with about two times a week starts to look a little bit different to you, out of nowhere his smile warms your heart, you start to plan what you wear on those days you guys have lunch…and by golly Fred just isn’t Fred-the-Lunch-Buddy, but has now become Fred-the-Object-of-your-Affection. So what’s a girl to do? Nothing…absolutely nothing.

Okay well there are some things you need to do. First be happy and excited about your new found interest…falling for someone is fun and not something you should deny yourself. But the next thing you need to do is to put those feelings aside. Yes put them aside.

“Oh daughters of Jerusalem…do not stir up love or awaken love until it is ready!” I use to think this verse was just about lust because Song of Songs is a saucy little book in the Bible, but I learned that this verse is actually talking about plain old love too. So many times we go on this slippery-slope of letting ourselves get lost in our feelings for a man and start day-dreaming about what our lives will be with him and mis-interpreting the time you spend with him as “little dates,” and calling our friends to decode every little thing he says to us in hopes he is trying to declare his love in some small way. This behavior is the antithesis of guarding your hearts!

Call me old-fashion or a religious nut-job but I believe that a man who findth a wife findth a good thing, and the last time I checked no where in Proverbs 31 did it say that the woman went out and drag herself a husband home with her.

What am I trying to get at? Well when you feel your heart start to turns towards someone, do not let it cloud your thought-process to the point that you lower your self-respect that you spend too much time trying to prove to him that you are the one for him, or crying yourself to sleep because he told you he had a crush on the girl from accounts-payable. It isn’t his job to keep your heart from breaking; it’s yours so stop dropping it off at his doorstep hopping he will take it in like a lost puppy.

Want to know what Ms. Moxie does to practice this? Well, when this situation arises for me I freak-out like some woman and pretty much deny it to myself and anyone else that those feelings exist. Then after exhausting too much energy on lying to myself, I accept those feelings. Next, I pray that God keeps my feelings in-check until either He releases me to speak (which never really happens), the feelings subside with time, or the guy brings up the topic (which he either feels the same way or he is marring the girl from accounts-payable). And if he does move on to marry her, I don’t feel like I lost out.

Now don’t think because he married the girl from a/p that if you only threw yourself at him that he would just magically wake-up and take you in his arms and that you will live happily-ever-after…America spends too much time watching movies.

Men may not be bright when it comes to telling the difference between off-white and egg-shell white, but they know when a woman shows some interest in him…even if it is sub-conscious or he wants to live in the land of denial. We give hints, which is actually okay because there are a few men who have such low-self esteem that they couldn’t get a hint even if was tattoo on the inside of their eye-lids. But even when we don’t think we are giving off hints, we are. Not to mention that even if the guy doesn’t see it, his friends who are quite objective will and let him in on the secret with a “dude…she is totally into you!”

So now that you know what you shouldn’t do, here is what you can do. You can be nice, you can spend time with him (not too much), you can do nice things for him (within reason), you can use some of your tools from your R.S.K., you can pray for him. If you do it for your friends male or female alike then you can do it for him as well.

Now there can be those times you spend with him that tugs at your heart a bit and that softens your guard and that is okay and natural. But when you leave his presence you need to keep everything in perspective and say to yourself “gee he would make a great partner…if he isn’t for me then I hope the one he is with will appreciate it.” Don’t go home and try to analyze what happen to try to convince yourself that he must feel the same way. Pray again that God protects your heart.

And if you do feel that you need to speak-up then prepare yourself for both yes and no…because the yes can be scarier then the no. Sometimes relationships seem like the best ideal all day in our heads, but in reality aren’t truly what we want because for some of us…we are just in love with being in love.

And for the guys (who I am pretty sure don’t read this blog, but at least the women that do can inform them)…for you guys who are in a situation…I have something to say to you to…

What are you bringing to the table?

So many times in life we are focused on what we want. What we want for our birthdays what we want to eat for dinner tonight, who we want to win American Idol. It’s all about me, me, and me. Also when it comes to relationships we think about what the other person needs to have and what we want from them and the relationship, but how many times do we sit back and think about what we are willing give and who we are willing to be in the relationship?

Now it isn’t to say that we shouldn’t focus on what we want, on the contrary we do need to figure out truly want we need before entering into a relationship, but at the same time we need to put just as much time and energy into what our part looks like and what that means to us.

I personally like to think about all the things I would like to do for a future partner and what sacrifice and submission means to me in a marriage. I like to go over the issues that I have within myself that needs to change if I am going to be successful in helping maintain a healthy union within a relationship.

Also we tend to have all our expectations in this laundry list in our minds (some of us have them literally written down tucked away in a journal somewhere), but have you ever thought to write down a list of all the great things about you that would benefit a future partner? Not only will this keep your other list in perspective in which you can’t ask for a mile and only have an inch to spare, but it will also keep you from settling for less when you deserve better and also keeps your self-esteem from dipping when there doesn’t seem to be any prospects in sight.

Here is a list of some of the things Ms. Moxie can contribute that I think that are not just personal to me but what every single woman needs to be able to bring to the table:

1. Communication. I love to communicate and feel lost and out of touch when this lapse in important relationships in my life. I believe that keeping the lines of communication open keeps things in the relationship fresh, especially when you have “oil change” or tune-up” talks. These conversations consist of sitting down and talking about the problems or potential problems you see that can derail or have derailed things a bit. These are not blame fests or whining competitions but a chance to talk about what’s on your heart, come to an understanding, then move on and grow a little bit closer. This type of communication is a little gem that I have learned to perfect that I keep in my “Relationship Survival Kit.”

2. I own several pair of tall boots. No not the ones from the store, no I am talking about when things get rough and crisis starts to come in waves, I think that it is important for both partners to have a pair of “Tall Boots” to put on and walk through the tough trenches in life in, with their partner. For me, my life is usually in some sort of state of drama so I know what it feels like to have someone stand next to you and go through it all with you because, hey they really love you, but I also know what it is like to go through it feeling totally alone because the person who says they love you, can’t or choose to ignore your problems. And I find that the one person who is willing catch you before you seriously injure yourself, or hold you down while the winds of life’s storms tries to blow you away, is the only type of person who should have the privilege of sharing your bed…no exceptions! Thus, because life experience has taught me how important this is, I try to keep at least four pairs (for every season in life) towards the top of the Kit so that I can don them on at a moments notice!

3. Unconditional love and warmth. Now Ms. Moxie (and yes I know I am speaking about myself in the third person), well she has 1000 cool points and 2000 street creds to her name! I’m tend to come off as a pretty tough chick who doesn’t like to be crossed, but deep down I am actually quite a loving and caring person who is attentive to peoples’ needs. Yes sometimes I can sacrifice to the determinant of myself (which is something I am working on, along with the unhealthy need to maintain said cool points and street cred). What brought me to a level of unconditional warmth and love was talking to a married friend who told me that no matter how much a crazy fool my partner acts like, it shouldn’t change how my ability to love them. Why? Because no one is perfect and peoples’ mood changes 15 times a day and it would be insane to base your love for them on every behavior they present. For example, if your man is having a bad day and decides to take it out on you, you would not be standing in your own love and integrity if you lashed back at him action for action and word for word. You let him know that the behavior hurts your feelings and is not acceptable then you move on…not get on the phone with your girlfriends and talk about how much you hate him right now…nope not acceptable. This gem is in the side pocket of my Kit.

4. Knowing when to step-back and step-up. Now there are some of you women out there that just love to tell a man what to do, how to do it, what to wear, what he should or should eat, what he should and should not say, and you do this to the point where you strip him of his manhood then have to nerve to turn around and complain about him acting like a child? Well what do you expect if all you do is treat him like one? Well Ms. Moxie is here to tell you that under no circumstances is this behavior is even remotely acceptable and one of the best gifts you can give a man is the ability to know when to step back and let him be who he is. I can just feel some of you right now in cyber land hanging your heads in shame and others standing to their feet shouting “preach it sista.” But if you didn’t realize it was wrong…that’s okay because you can acquire this attribute and place it at the very top of your Kit. Just think about it, you don’t want to be in a relationship with a man who acts like he is your father and mother wrapped into one, so why would he want that from you? However, that isn’t to say that you walk around three steps behind him everyday and defer every decision to him. It is a balance. There are times where you are the one who is mostly charge and he is okay with it. For example, if the poor guy is truly color blind and hates shopping then it’s perfectly acceptable to tell him what to wear…basically it will be different for every couple and you just have to use your common sense in where you need to stop being controlling…if you aren’t sure…just ask him…he’ll let you know. Now for stepping-up. Well there will be times when he is stressed out and sick of everyone else’s input and only want yours, well these times will be your chance to shine. Or there will be times when the stress of being a man and society expectations are drowning him, well this too would be the time where you put on your boots (see number 2) and take charge. Again it’s about common sense and I tell you though sometimes I tend to loose this gem from time to time myself, I always check my Kit every so often to make sure it’s still there.

5. Faith. For those who aren’t spiritual, this will not seem relevant but just bear with me here. I grew up believing that your marriage is your ministry. Throughout your marriage you will be your partner’s Minister and him your congregation and vice versa…i.e. there will be times when your faith is low or his and you need to be able to build each other up when needed. So what does a Minister do before they face their sheep in the pulpit or in their office for spiritual counseling? They pray, they stay in the Word, they educate themselves in the matters of their faith. Therefore, this is something of utter importance. You should have a pair of matching prayer knee pads to those boots you are sporting! When you treat your marriage like it is one of your ministries, you will come to a place where when it is need, you will be able to pour out the Word from your heart into him and to help build him and heal him. Not only does this keep your relationship strong but it also helps affair proof your marriage. People don’t have affairs because of how hot the other person is…9 times out of ten the other woman is not nearly as cute as you. But what draws someone astray is that they feel like they can get some deep level of emotional support from this other person which in-turn becomes sexual. Which leads me to the matters of intimacy…this too is part of your ministry that should not be treated as a low priority. Just think…when you are in church and are in the middle of praise and worship, don’t you feel close to God, and with your heart you worship him and sometimes close your eyes because hey…this is an intimate moment with your Creator! Well the same can be said for the marriage bed. It is a time where you honor each other and to use to term loosely worship each other psychically. Why do you think the Bible uses the analogy “Bride of Christ.” So faith isn’t something that I store away in the Kit per se, but something I try to carry quite close. I believe that while I am away awaiting marriage I am in seminary studying to become the best Minister I can be for my mate.

Now there are other things that you should have like, money management skills, modesty (oh Ms. Moxie needs to work on this one!), self-care and so on, but I just wanted to highlight the ones that if you have nothing else, you should have in your Relationship Survival Kit. Also, just because you aren’t in a relationship doesn’t mean you learn these things and store them away…no you practice some of these over and over again, with the people in your life, rather they be friends, family, or Sparky the Wonder-Dog. You don’t want to have to go digging around in your bag and realized you lost some of these things right in the middle of a crisis. You want to be able to reach into that bag calmly without taking your eyes off the prize and use the tools at a moments notice.