Getting Over is Hard to do...

The Dumping Zone

Break-ups are hard and rough…especially when it isn't your decision and you really didn't see it coming.

The reason I bring this topic up is because I am currently being reminded how terrible it feels. As stated before I am a single girl with not one potential suitor insight…not even a Space Between guy. Thus, I have spent the last couple of months throwing myself into work and excelling professionally quickly, yet not financially and then the boom was lowered when I found out that I was one of over 600 people being laid off because apparently it's cheaper to use people in other countries. At first I went into survival mode not really thinking about how I felt emotionally, but now it has set-in. It feels like my boyfriend who I spent so much time trying to please, decided to dump me for some whore down the street….and now I am left with nothing but memories of a relationship that I thought was good.

My story

It reminds me of past heartbreak that I never thought I was going to get over but somehow did only to be heartbroken again.

I have been blessed to only have experience real heartbreak three times in my life. The first time was when I was a senior in college and I broke things off with the first guy I ever dated. With my move back home after graduation and his job lost, his self-esteem spiral downward taking our relationship along for the ride. The last conversation was tearful and I felt depilated of any strength to try to make things work 60 miles away. He needed space but didn’t have the heart to tell me and I just needed him…so even though I was the one brave enough to say what the word…it was really he that was leaving me.

After I hung-up the phone I melted into a pull of tears and my emotions ranged from sadness of loosing the one person who made me feel safe, to anger because I couldn't understand why he wouldn't let me be there for him.

The last and third time was actually the beginning of this year.

I was just untangling myself from a Space Between situation when his guy I met in school and at the time was working part-time for a Theology school back in New York. While manning the switchboard, in walks this guy who literally took my breath away. I couldn't speak and have never in my life been captivated by another human being. He walked up to my desk and told me he was from the undergrad campus and wanted to know where the staff meeting was being held. Now I knew that the meeting was moved back to the undergrad campus, but that information didn't travel down to my mouth and I could only mumble…"I don't know". Well he left and I spent the rest of the day trying to find out who he was. I couldn't get his warm smile out of my mind.

Months later I ended up working full-time for the college and lo and behold he was a director on the floor below my office! When he came up to introduce himself to me again…I could barely speak but over time was able to mumble hello and goodbye.

After a while I made it my mission to get to know him and did, and we eventually got to spend some time out of the office and would email back and forth. It didn't matter that I saw him every single day…my heart would do jumping jacks every time he entered the room. But then things took a turn.

Whenever I felt like things weren't going anywhere and would pull away, he would do all he could to gain my attention and affection and would act really hurt. I would then feel bad and try to keep up my end of the bargain until he became lax and then the game would start over and over…with these "dates" in-between to jump-start the childish game.

Then I told him I was leaving…moving back into my old time-zone, thus it was now or never situation for us. He got upset at first but then try everything to either keep me there or to show interest. I then thought "gee…if all it took was to move to get you to step-up then I would have done this months ago!"

I thought things would work-out, this was a person who I knew who to be there for me when I needed him and everyone around us just knew we were meant to be…but it didn’t and we weren't.

No matter how much I wanted to deny it…I loved him more than anything and my heart was shattered. It was painful to come to gripes that no matter how great our chemistry was, no matter how much we had in common, no matter how good he was a being fantastic emotional support to me…it wasn't going to change that he wasn't ready to grow up.

Lessons to be Learned

When you feel that you have done everything right in a relationship and it fails, you feel like a failure and rejected. Unanswered questions swirl in your mind and sometimes bitterness can set in your heart, but you can't let that happen.

Every failed relationship is an experience that you must go through and a lesson taught to you. It is just one of the many paths we have to take to get to the right person.

What I took from the first heartbreak was a lesson that you can't make someone strong enough to be there for your or themselves…and crisis is a true test of a relationship and it's not worth it to stay with someone who is willing to run at the first sign of trouble. And from the third one…you can't get caught-up in cat and mouse games. It doesn't matter how much someone can care for you, if they aren't mentally and emotionally ready for a relationship, it isn't going to work.


Yes you must mourn the loss. Let's face it…when you are in love you build-up this dream-world of how you plan on spending the rest of your life with this person. And when that dream is snatched away without warning…it is down-right devastating.

However, on the grave of the failed relationship should be a headstone with the lesson to be learned engraved on it. Take that lesson and apply it. If you don't try to gain some wisdom and knowledge from the relationship you would have wasted your time and you will also have that same experience over and over with other people till you get it right.

Please try to learn the first time.

No room at the Inn

When the relationship was serious and your love was deep, sometimes you will have a hard time of letting go. Though your head knows it is over, your heart just doesn't want to let anyone else in. Every guy you meet just doesn't seem to measure up to what you had….this is a serious problem.

Yes I know it is hard to let go, but you have to be honest with yourself and know that if things were as perfect or if he was as perfect as you think, then you would still be together!

You have to open-up space in your heart for someone else to move in. No you will not totally forget this person or when things are stressful you won't yearn for their comfort, but the point is, is to not dwell on these feelings, but feel them for a moment then let it go.

My Conclusion

A month ago he was in town and wanted to see me. I was shocked, excited, and scared all at the same time. Shocked because I was surprise he actually took me up on the "call me if you are in town" thing, excited because I was homesick for NY and I was going to be able to have a piece of it here, and scared because I thought I was over him, but was worried I really wasn't and was going to spiral once I saw him.

Well we met at my office and I was excited when I saw his face. He hugged me and rubbed my back and in his arms that familiar feeling like I was home came rushing back.

We went to lunch and spent over an hour talking about the past, present, and future, but while we were talking I suddenly realize that YES I was over him FINALLY.

If you are stuck in that hamster wheel of longing for a past relationship…stop…right…now. Yes it is agony that it is over, but there IS contentment on other-side. If I, queen of dysfunctional unions can do it…then you can too.