The sins of the ex...

Should NOT be visited upon the current.

Most of us have had bad experiences in relationships; however this does not mean we should make our current love pay for them.

Some of us have played both the neurotic and the victim on this issue. For example, an ex cheats on a guy and the next girlfriend is forbidden to have too much contact with the male species and every time her cell phone rings and it is a guy…the accusations starts to fly. Or a girl's ex was emotionally abusive to her, pushing her to diet and demeaning everything she does, then one day the current tries to make a joke or suggest that she inhaled her dinner quickly and the next thing she knows she has collapsed into a unloved crying heap on the floor…and four months later the guy is in some support group for friends and family of people who have eating disorders.

The list can go on and go about how we in one way or another sentenced our currents to a relationship or misery just because we can't leave the past in the past.

First and foremost you must forgive those who have harmed you in anyway and use those experiences to help others or teach you about the potholes that lie ahead. Second, every new person that you decide to spend quality time with deserves a fair shot.

I personally know how hard it is to not react to every little thing that reminds you of the past. Some of us have had relationships that were really emotionally or even physically damaging. It is almost like being a Vietnam War Veteran who is shell shocked where some comments or actions are like firecrackers going off and you feel you either need to fight or run for cover. However, before you start breaking into your current's email account try to do these simple things.

When comments or actions happen that send you reeling back to the past, try not to react. Yeah I know it is hard and as a decorated Veteran of bad relationships…I know it almost seem downright impossible, but just try to stop yourself from saying or doing anything potentially harmful.

First decide if your current really is showing signs that you are making the same mistake again, or if you are just overreacting. If it is the former, then you might want to re-elevate the relationship because sometimes those feelings from the past can actually be a warning sign that you are about to take the same old road again. If it is the latter, then play out whatever psychotic action you want to do or say in your mind…then imagine what the impact of that will be. If you are honest with yourself then you will realize that your so-call protecting yourself will eventually push someone away that might truly care for you. A person can only do or say so much to assure you of their affections for you, so you convicting them of a past crime over and over again will eventually send them running for the hills.

Next after you have played out the scenario in your mind, either sit down and be honest with yourself on whether or not you are ready for a healthy relationship in which you go seek help, or start being open and honest with your current about your fears and try to work together on how to deal with these insecurities.

Just remember the whole point of the past is to prepare us for the future, not for it to dictate the future.