The Space Between

Though the space between is a popular song sung by Dave Matthews, I like to define this term as the time between getting to know each other and or friendship and an exclusive relationship. This space is inevitable in most relationships because strangers don't just walk-up to one another and declare love. However, this very delicate place should NOT be maintain for long periods of time because complications and miscommunication can happen leaving the two people bitter and disillusioned with each other.

To really explain this I will be give you a full-length example about a couple name Ben and Mary.

Ben and Mary met through mutual friends and from the first hello felt like they were really connected. Both were causally dating other people as their friendship grew but then stop seeing other people and started seeing each other more often. Both had issues with rejection so neither broached the subject of dating, but in a sense they were in The Space Between. It was assumed that every weekend was a standing date unless they decided to spend time with their friends. Most weekends they spent time cuddled-up together sharing their hopes, dreams, and fears and bonded significantly on an emotionally level…however again they were only in The Space Between.

Then one day Ben mentions a co-worker at work that he thought was awesome and loved to play golf just like him…Mary did not play golf. Thus, all Mary heard in the statement was that there was another woman of interest in his life, and this non-couple cozy little world started to fall apart. Mary not having any security about their relationship panics because she knows that Ben has absolutely no commitment to her, and because Ben never addressed the un-resolved tension between them, she wasn't 100% sure that he cared for her as more than a friend…because after all why hasn't he spoken up yet? Mary is also starting to feel vulnerable because perhaps she has been sending off signals that she had feelings for him and this was Ben's way of hinting to her that he didn't feel the same. Sure it would be easy if Mary just came out and ask Ben, but she was NOT going to stick her neck out for rejection and ruin their Space Between.

So, in Mary's panic she out of the blue starts to talk about Paul…her coworker and starts to tell Ben how wonderful he is…and how smitten she is. First Ben is confused as to how Paul has anything to do with golf and second Ben's insecurities of their relationship starts rushing to the surface as well.

Ben has always been fond of Mary and had entertain the idea of being in a relationship with her in the past, but his extreme fear of rejection and strong friendship with Mary has made him hesitant to do so. But now that Mary seems to be fond of this jerk…um I mean guy named Paul…Ben is thinking that perhaps he should mentally back off his feelings with Mary and pursue things with another girl…perhaps the coworker Sarah.

Notice I said mentally back-off...not physically. Ben is quite comfortable in his cozy little Space Between with Mary and doesn't want to loose a good thing. I mean where else in the world can you get the benefits of having a girlfriend without actually having a girlfriend then in The Space Between…right?

Back and forth they send hints to each other that the other isn't interested…but feelings are starting to get hurt.

Mary feels like she is being used…which in a way she is…because how can Ben occupy so much of her life without thinking twice about it before running off with some coworker? Ben on the other hand is bitter because …what does Paul have that he doesn't? How come Mary wasn't happy with the relationship?…Sure it wasn't official or anything, but she could have spoke up first if she wanted more…He might have said yes.

Well eventually, Ben ends up with Sarah, and Mary makes a half-hearted attempt at Paul.

Some men are capable of being in love with a woman and being content with another; however, for women we tend to fall in love with one man and have a hard time sharing our hearts with anyone else. Which is why you see men breaking up with a serious girlfriend one day and being engaged a year later to someone else.

Anyway, without the constant presence of Mary in his life, Ben realizes that though Sarah is great, Mary is…well Mary and in a drunken stupor calls Mary to confess his feelings.

Mary gets the call and is conflicted. She is glad that FINALLY she knows that Ben feels the same way, but at the same time he is with Sarah and well…there is so much hurt she has from how they fell apart…plus there is a slight chance that tomorrow Ben will wake-up and realize what he has done and "not remember" the phone call.

Alcohol is a man's bestfriend when it comes to "forgetting" emotional statements. Sure they say that they don't "remember" calling you or texting you declaring their love, but they do and aren't ready to really deal with their feelings.

So Mary only shares a little bit of her feelings, that way if he doesn't "remember" she can always explain away anything that she says. But for the purpose of this story, Ben does remember the next day and makes the dreaded phone call Sarah.

Now you would think that things should be happily ever after right? But what you are forgetting is all the pain these two caused each other. Though Ben and Mary are finally together, they now have issues with trust. Funny how in The Space Between they didn't seem to have any issues in the beginning, but in reality those trust issues where there the moment they decided to get comfortable.

Yes these two crazy kids can live happily ever after and their issues aren't something they can't get over and it actually won't take a lot of work, to work through, but it is better to keep that time period between more-than-friend/couple-dom to a short period of time.

The time limit can very based on the un-couple, but for sure this should not extend past a year's time. However, if you are already past the expiration date, it's time to settle-up.

Being a female myself, I know that most women don't feel that is their place to speak-up or are as terrified as the men are on this issue, so if you are too terrified to say anything at the very least try to drop large billboard sign, size hints that you enjoy what you have with this person and would like to see where they think this is going.

This way you aren't making demands on them, but am just trying to gage where they are at. For some, they might not have a clue because they have gotten so comfortable with getting all the fringe benefits without paying any dues that they haven't spent any time on thinking about your situation. If you aren't 100% sure that this is a dead-end subject for them and that they could possibly want to kick-start this relationship out of the gray area…bring it up again in a couple of days or so…because hopefully your question would have them thinking about the two of you.

However, even though things in the beginning seemed like they were taking a turn for bliss…time and The Space Between could have done some irreparable damage and that person will no longer sees you as more than a substitute mate. If this is the case then it is time for you to untangle yourself from this situation, spend a very, very limited time with this person and go out there and start some damn intentionally dating!