What are you bringing to the table?

So many times in life we are focused on what we want. What we want for our birthdays what we want to eat for dinner tonight, who we want to win American Idol. It’s all about me, me, and me. Also when it comes to relationships we think about what the other person needs to have and what we want from them and the relationship, but how many times do we sit back and think about what we are willing give and who we are willing to be in the relationship?

Now it isn’t to say that we shouldn’t focus on what we want, on the contrary we do need to figure out truly want we need before entering into a relationship, but at the same time we need to put just as much time and energy into what our part looks like and what that means to us.

I personally like to think about all the things I would like to do for a future partner and what sacrifice and submission means to me in a marriage. I like to go over the issues that I have within myself that needs to change if I am going to be successful in helping maintain a healthy union within a relationship.

Also we tend to have all our expectations in this laundry list in our minds (some of us have them literally written down tucked away in a journal somewhere), but have you ever thought to write down a list of all the great things about you that would benefit a future partner? Not only will this keep your other list in perspective in which you can’t ask for a mile and only have an inch to spare, but it will also keep you from settling for less when you deserve better and also keeps your self-esteem from dipping when there doesn’t seem to be any prospects in sight.

Here is a list of some of the things Ms. Moxie can contribute that I think that are not just personal to me but what every single woman needs to be able to bring to the table:

1. Communication. I love to communicate and feel lost and out of touch when this lapse in important relationships in my life. I believe that keeping the lines of communication open keeps things in the relationship fresh, especially when you have “oil change” or tune-up” talks. These conversations consist of sitting down and talking about the problems or potential problems you see that can derail or have derailed things a bit. These are not blame fests or whining competitions but a chance to talk about what’s on your heart, come to an understanding, then move on and grow a little bit closer. This type of communication is a little gem that I have learned to perfect that I keep in my “Relationship Survival Kit.”

2. I own several pair of tall boots. No not the ones from the store, no I am talking about when things get rough and crisis starts to come in waves, I think that it is important for both partners to have a pair of “Tall Boots” to put on and walk through the tough trenches in life in, with their partner. For me, my life is usually in some sort of state of drama so I know what it feels like to have someone stand next to you and go through it all with you because, hey they really love you, but I also know what it is like to go through it feeling totally alone because the person who says they love you, can’t or choose to ignore your problems. And I find that the one person who is willing catch you before you seriously injure yourself, or hold you down while the winds of life’s storms tries to blow you away, is the only type of person who should have the privilege of sharing your bed…no exceptions! Thus, because life experience has taught me how important this is, I try to keep at least four pairs (for every season in life) towards the top of the Kit so that I can don them on at a moments notice!

3. Unconditional love and warmth. Now Ms. Moxie (and yes I know I am speaking about myself in the third person), well she has 1000 cool points and 2000 street creds to her name! I’m tend to come off as a pretty tough chick who doesn’t like to be crossed, but deep down I am actually quite a loving and caring person who is attentive to peoples’ needs. Yes sometimes I can sacrifice to the determinant of myself (which is something I am working on, along with the unhealthy need to maintain said cool points and street cred). What brought me to a level of unconditional warmth and love was talking to a married friend who told me that no matter how much a crazy fool my partner acts like, it shouldn’t change how my ability to love them. Why? Because no one is perfect and peoples’ mood changes 15 times a day and it would be insane to base your love for them on every behavior they present. For example, if your man is having a bad day and decides to take it out on you, you would not be standing in your own love and integrity if you lashed back at him action for action and word for word. You let him know that the behavior hurts your feelings and is not acceptable then you move on…not get on the phone with your girlfriends and talk about how much you hate him right now…nope not acceptable. This gem is in the side pocket of my Kit.

4. Knowing when to step-back and step-up. Now there are some of you women out there that just love to tell a man what to do, how to do it, what to wear, what he should or should eat, what he should and should not say, and you do this to the point where you strip him of his manhood then have to nerve to turn around and complain about him acting like a child? Well what do you expect if all you do is treat him like one? Well Ms. Moxie is here to tell you that under no circumstances is this behavior is even remotely acceptable and one of the best gifts you can give a man is the ability to know when to step back and let him be who he is. I can just feel some of you right now in cyber land hanging your heads in shame and others standing to their feet shouting “preach it sista.” But if you didn’t realize it was wrong…that’s okay because you can acquire this attribute and place it at the very top of your Kit. Just think about it, you don’t want to be in a relationship with a man who acts like he is your father and mother wrapped into one, so why would he want that from you? However, that isn’t to say that you walk around three steps behind him everyday and defer every decision to him. It is a balance. There are times where you are the one who is mostly charge and he is okay with it. For example, if the poor guy is truly color blind and hates shopping then it’s perfectly acceptable to tell him what to wear…basically it will be different for every couple and you just have to use your common sense in where you need to stop being controlling…if you aren’t sure…just ask him…he’ll let you know. Now for stepping-up. Well there will be times when he is stressed out and sick of everyone else’s input and only want yours, well these times will be your chance to shine. Or there will be times when the stress of being a man and society expectations are drowning him, well this too would be the time where you put on your boots (see number 2) and take charge. Again it’s about common sense and I tell you though sometimes I tend to loose this gem from time to time myself, I always check my Kit every so often to make sure it’s still there.

5. Faith. For those who aren’t spiritual, this will not seem relevant but just bear with me here. I grew up believing that your marriage is your ministry. Throughout your marriage you will be your partner’s Minister and him your congregation and vice versa…i.e. there will be times when your faith is low or his and you need to be able to build each other up when needed. So what does a Minister do before they face their sheep in the pulpit or in their office for spiritual counseling? They pray, they stay in the Word, they educate themselves in the matters of their faith. Therefore, this is something of utter importance. You should have a pair of matching prayer knee pads to those boots you are sporting! When you treat your marriage like it is one of your ministries, you will come to a place where when it is need, you will be able to pour out the Word from your heart into him and to help build him and heal him. Not only does this keep your relationship strong but it also helps affair proof your marriage. People don’t have affairs because of how hot the other person is…9 times out of ten the other woman is not nearly as cute as you. But what draws someone astray is that they feel like they can get some deep level of emotional support from this other person which in-turn becomes sexual. Which leads me to the matters of intimacy…this too is part of your ministry that should not be treated as a low priority. Just think…when you are in church and are in the middle of praise and worship, don’t you feel close to God, and with your heart you worship him and sometimes close your eyes because hey…this is an intimate moment with your Creator! Well the same can be said for the marriage bed. It is a time where you honor each other and to use to term loosely worship each other psychically. Why do you think the Bible uses the analogy “Bride of Christ.” So faith isn’t something that I store away in the Kit per se, but something I try to carry quite close. I believe that while I am away awaiting marriage I am in seminary studying to become the best Minister I can be for my mate.

Now there are other things that you should have like, money management skills, modesty (oh Ms. Moxie needs to work on this one!), self-care and so on, but I just wanted to highlight the ones that if you have nothing else, you should have in your Relationship Survival Kit. Also, just because you aren’t in a relationship doesn’t mean you learn these things and store them away…no you practice some of these over and over again, with the people in your life, rather they be friends, family, or Sparky the Wonder-Dog. You don’t want to have to go digging around in your bag and realized you lost some of these things right in the middle of a crisis. You want to be able to reach into that bag calmly without taking your eyes off the prize and use the tools at a moments notice.